


all the way to caursito

by slugmutt



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Eventual Smut, Fluff and Angst, hand-waving away the canon ending as usual
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-12
Updated: 2017-02-20
Packaged: 2018-09-23 19:31:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,068
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9672893
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/slugmutt/pseuds/slugmutt
Summary: Four times Jyn tries to leave.





	1. Chapter 1

It takes Jyn five minutes, waking up after Scarif, to accept that she’s not dead.

It takes her five seconds after that to realize that something has gone very wrong.

Maybe it’s the look on the doctors’ faces, maybe it’s the quiet in the hallways, maybe it’s some sixth sense developed over a lifetime of looking out for danger. Whatever it is, she knows with a certainty that they failed. The Alliance doesn’t have the plans, and all is lost.

She closes her eyes, and almost wishes she’d just died on the beach with Cassian.

 _Cassian._ Where is he?

The medical droids want her to stay still, but Jyn knows she’s not badly hurt. She’s been badly hurt before; this isn’t it. So she ignores the droids, and goes looking for her people.

She finds Bodhi first, both arms covered in bacta. He offers her a weak smile before a doctor practically shoves her out the door.

Chirrut’s condition is more serious. He’s floating in a whole tank of bacta, a hole still visible in his abdomen. Jyn stops for a few minutes to join Baze in his silent vigil.

But she moves on, unable to rest until she’s seen Cassian. Seen for herself that he’s alive.

When she finds him, it’s like letting out a breath she didn’t know she was holding. He’s bruised and covered in bandages and frankly he looks like hell, but she can’t take her eyes off of him.

His eyes open as she comes closer. He looks like he wants to say something, but he doesn’t. Jyn sees the bandages running down his neck and understands.

She sits on the bed and takes his hand. His fingers tighten in hers, and he’s looking at her like she’s everything that matters in the galaxy. It’s almost too much, and she ducks her head, afraid of what he’s going to think when he finds out. When he learns that she led his friends to pointless death, not to glory.

She won’t tell him today. It’s too soon; he’s too hurt. She’ll tell him when he’s stronger. Or maybe she’ll let Mothma tell him.

For now, she’ll let herself have just one moment with him. Before the doctors come kick her out, before Draven has her arrested, before Mothma comes and turns his hope to dust.

She lies down slowly, taking care not to put weight on his bandages. She feels his head turn toward hers as she leans in, her body pressed against his side, her forehead brushing his shoulder. Everywhere their bodies touch feels warm, feels alive. She wonders if he feels it, too.

She’d been expecting to die, to watch her friends die, so that the rebellion could live. Instead, they’ve dragged the rebellion into a war it can’t possibly win, and somehow survived. It’s not what she had planned, but - alongside the sadness and guilt there’s a not-so-small part of her that’s happier with this outcome.

Apparently the doctors aren’t so eager to kick her out, because Jyn wakes up the next morning nestled into Cassian’s side. A droid is waiting to change his bandages, and she knows she should leave.

“I’ll be back soon,” she tells him. His eyes follow her out of the room.

 

She goes off and finds Chirrut again. She’s there when the doctor tells them that he’s out of danger, and Baze hugs her so hard he almost re-breaks her ribs. Jyn doesn’t mind.

She convinces Baze to lie down for the first time in three days, and he’s out before his head hits the pillow.

 

Bodhi’s arms look much better, but his expression tears at Jyn’s heart. Clearly, somebody told him that the plans didn’t get through. She wants to find that person and punch them.

But instead, she sits by his side. She’s not sure it helps, but it’s all she can do.

“What do we do now?” he asks suddenly, about an hour later.

“We keep fighting.” She’s surprised how quickly the answer comes to her. “The Empire may beat us, but I’m not planning to make it easy for them.”

“Yeah,” Bodhi says, and he’s almost smiling. “Yeah, me neither.”

 

She’s on her way back to Cassian’s room when the med droids find her. Apparently they get very cranky if you leave your bed unannounced and are still gone half a day later.

She spends the next several hours being poked and prodded and having various medicines smeared on her arms or shoved into her mouth. And maybe one of them was a sedative, because after ten minutes in bed, she can’t keep her eyes open.

 

All in all, she doesn’t make it back to Cassian’s room until nearly a day after she left. She hesitates at the door this time, wondering what’s happened since she left. What he’s been told.

His eyes light up when he sees her, and he manages to croak out a greeting this time.

“Hey yourself,” she says, coming to sit on his bed. He looks at her, a question in his eyes, and suddenly she realizes they’re both wondering the same thing.

“It’s alright, I already know about the plans,” she tells him.

He lets out a shaky breath. “I’m so sorry, Jyn.”

“You’re – “ She stops, exhales. Of course he’s sorry. “Cassian, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” She blinks back the sudden moisture in her eyes.

“Not your fault,” he says. Or – she thinks that’s what he says. His next words are clearer. “Missing isn’t gone. There’s still hope.”

Her brow creases. “What do you mean?”

“The plans… still missing,” he says.

“The plans are _missing_??” she says. He looks horrified for a moment, until she adds, “I thought they didn’t get through.”

“They got through,” he whispers. “But then they were lost.”

Jyn feels herself smile. It’s still bad, but – there’s hope, now.

“Jyn,” Cassian whispers, looking up at her. Still looking at her like she’s the only thing that matters. “You should go.”

It takes her a moment to understand his words, so at odds with the look in his eyes.

“Go – you want me to leave, so you can sleep?” she asks. She feels a dull hurt; she’d thought he wanted her there the other night, but maybe she had been bothering him.

“No, Jyn, you should _go_ ,” he says. “Get off of Yavin. Draven wants you gone, he’s planning-” He stops, coughing.

“Fuck Draven,” she says. “I’m not going anywhere.”

“He’ll arrest you,” Cassian warns. “If this – if they don’t find the plans, he’ll blame you. He’ll say you sabotaged the mission.”

She’d expected arrest for disobeying orders, but not that. She supposes it shouldn’t come as a surprise. Accusing her would protect Cassian, who Draven clearly values as an asset, while still giving the Rebellion something – someone – to blame, besides the overwhelmingly bad odds it faces. The council that didn’t want to send them to Scarif in the first place could easily crumble if the mission was a failure. Draven will do whatever it takes to make sure they don’t; he’s nothing if not a practical man.

She understands. It still hurts, a dull ache in her chest at the unfairness of it all.

“So you want me to leave?” she says. She can’t bring herself to look at him. She’s so damn sick of being sent away for her own protection.

“I want you to be safe,” he whispers. She nods once and stands to go. She ignores his whisper of “Jyn, wait.” If she stays any longer, the pressure behind her eyes could turn to tears, and she is not going to cry over this.

He’s not wrong. That’s the worst part. If what he’s saying is true, she’s unsafe here on an entirely different level from what she’d been ready for. And even as she tries to think of ways around it, she knows she’s going to leave.

She leaves for Murkhana an hour later.

 

She travels as she always did, joining as temporary crew on a smuggling vessel to get to one world, stealing enough blasters from Stormtroopers to pay for passage to the next. After the frantic flights from Jedha, to Eadu, to Scarif, it feels strange, not being in a hurry. Not going anywhere in particular.

It should be easy. She’s just doing what she did until just a few weeks earlier. Back then, she had known her father to be dead. She had had no team, no cause to fight for.

It’s so much harder, now. _Give it time,_ she tells herself.

She goes by Lara, instead of Jyn. It doesn’t help.

She’s sitting in a bar on Anthan Prime when she hears about Alderaan for the first time, and runs outside to vomit.

Twenty minutes later she’s on a cargo ship heading back to the Yavin system. Jyn doesn’t care what Draven tries to do to her. He’s not keeping her away from this fight.  

 

She still hasn’t decided what she’s going to tell the others. How she’s going to explain why she left; how she’s going to convince them to let her stay and fight.

So of course she runs into the group of them the moment she gets back to base.

Chirrut senses her first. “Jyn,” he says, his voice satisfied. “I knew you’d be getting here soon.”

Baze scowls. “You shouldn’t have left,” he tells her. “We wouldn’t have let Draven do anything stupid.”

“Sorry,” she mutters.

“Ignore him, Jyn, it was the right choice,” Bodhi says. “Not that I liked it, but – having you here isn’t going to help if you’re in prison.”

Cassian says nothing. Jyn looks at him and for a moment she sees a world of emotions in his eyes, joy and anger and relief and fear all mixed together.

Then his face takes on the blank expression he wears so often as an intelligence agent. “Draven is off-world for the next three days,” he says. “What are you planning to do when he gets back?”

He sounds like he’s talking about the weather, and Jyn’s about to let loose an angry reply, when Baze speaks first.

“That gives us three days to leave for a mission off of Yavin. That’s plenty of time,” he says.

Cassian frowns. “I can’t just invent a mission,” he says.

“All things are possible with the Force,” says Chirrut, which earns him a glare from Cassian and an appreciative snicker from Bodhi.

“I had an idea for a mission on the way here,” Jyn says.

“Of course you did,” Cassian mutters. Jyn ignores him. 

 

Mothma actually approves Jyn’s plan to infiltrate a handful of Imperial communications networks and start spreading the real story of what happened on Scarif, the one in which the Empire murdered over ten thousand of its own soldiers. Jyn’s not entirely sure if Mothma agrees with her that this is an opportunity to undermine support for the Empire, or if the senator is just trying to prevent Draven from locking up someone who may still be seen as a war hero someday. The results are the same either way – they have a mission, a ship, and clearance to leave when they’re ready.

The whole Rogue One team – what’s left of it – will be working together. “You’ve achieved so much together, it would be a shame to split you up,” Mothma had said. Jyn had held her breath, waiting for Cassian to object, but he had just nodded.

She had just nodded, too, but she was secretly thrilled. She likes this team. She’s even pleased to have Kaytoo with them, even though the droid has been insulting her more than ever.

Kaytoo was bad enough in his old body; being rebooted in the body of an astromech droid has made him insufferable. At least now he’s only half her height – which, come to think of it, is probably a big part of what has him so irritated.

Still, she remembers Scarif, remembers hearing his final words through the comm link, and she can never stay mad.

Since she has nothing to prepare, she expects to be the first one aboard. But she finds Cassian already in the hangar.

“Say it,” she tells him.

“Say what?”

“Come on, you know you want to.”

He crosses his arms. “Fine. You shouldn’t have come back. Ignoring your own safety isn’t always brave. Sometimes it’s just foolish.” He sighs. “If you’d just waited… “

Jyn waits for him to finish, but apparently he’s done. “Fine,” she says, voice cool. “It’s good to know where we stand.”

She makes for the ship, but he stops her with a hand on her arm. “Jyn,” he says, and when she looks up, his eyes have all of their old fire. “I’m glad you’re back.”

She smiles. “Good, because you’re stuck with me,” she says, and hears his low laugh behind her as she walks aboard.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “This is fun,” she declares. “Strategizing. Planning things together.”
> 
> “Why am I not surprised that your idea of fun is planning to blow up half a building?”

“Is it true? You’re leaving?”

Jyn sighs. She knew one of them would come find her, it was almost inevitable, but – did it have to be Bodhi? Upsetting Bodhi makes her feel like the galaxy’s worst person.

“It’s true,” she admits reluctantly. She tries to ignore the look of betrayal in his eyes.

“Why?” She doesn’t answer. “Jyn. At least tell me why. Don’t you care about what we’re doing anymore?”

“What we’re doing?” She almost laughs. “What you’re doing, Bodhi. You and Cassian and Baze and everyone else. What am I doing? Guarding the ship with Kaytoo? You’ll get by without me.”

“That’s not… you’re not… “ he sputters. Sighs. “Look, Jyn, I know they haven’t been giving you the most interesting jobs for the past few weeks, but – give it time! It’s better than doing nothing.”

“But I don’t have to choose between this or nothing,” she tells him. “There are other ways to help the cause.”

She sees understanding hit him. “You’re going back to Saw’s people.”

“We’ll still be fighting on the same side,” she says, willing him to understand. “I just – I can’t just sit on the sidelines. If Cassian doesn’t trust me to join the fight, I’ll find someone who does.”

She ignores his soft, “It’s not like that, Jyn.” It’s exactly like that. She knows, because she’s discussed this with Cassian himself. And OK, maybe he didn’t come straight out and say he doesn’t trust her, but he made it clear that he wasn’t planning to give her anything important to do.

She’d cornered him next to the firing range last week, after Kyrjek made his offer. She’d hoped – she’d hoped for a lot of things. That he would admit that he’d been pushing her to the sidelines, that he would be sorry, that he would offer her something better. That he would give her a reason to stay. That they could go back to how things were before, in their first months as a team, when he’d trusted her. When he’d been willing to put his life in her hands.

She’d been disappointed.

“Kyrjek is barely making a difference on Taanab, let alone anywhere else,” he’d told her, his hands busy reassembling a blaster. “What do you think you’ll do there?”

“So give me something to do here,” she’d said. Begged.

“You’ve been on five missions in the past month,” he said.

“I’ve sat in the ship and been insulted by Kaytoo five times in the past month,” she countered.

“Our work with the rebellion isn’t always interesting.”

Honestly, sometimes he made her want to scream.

“I don’t care if it’s interesting,” she told him. “But it has to be real. If I hadn’t been here at all for the past two months, it wouldn’t have made any difference. You know I can do more.” She couldn’t stop her voice from going quiet as she added, “Cassian, why are you doing this?”

He didn’t answer. He didn’t even look at her. That was what hurt the most, the way he kept his attention on the stupid kriffing blaster as she walked away.

 

When she gets to Taanab, Kyrjek gives her a squad to command the minute she steps off the shuttle. Within a month, they’ve knocked out the Imperial communications network twice and established smuggling routes that bring food to rebels on a dozen planets.

She definitely made the right choice, coming here. She tells herself so every day, waiting for it to feel true.

 

Jyn had expected to still see some of the faces she knew from the Alliance. She knows the Alliance and they know her; she’d be the natural choice of liason, for when Kyrjek’s people and the rebellion work together.

She hadn’t expected to see all of Rogue One just six weeks after she arrived, let alone to join them in a mission. That’s beyond coincidence.

They’ll be working together to infiltrate a small local prison. The Imperial governor doesn’t realize that one of his prisoners isn’t a low-level thief, but a long-time spy for the rebellion. Their job is to get her out of there before he figures it out.   

Kyrjek does choose her to coordinate between the teams, and she can’t decide if that’s a good thing. Seeing Bodhi and Baze and Chirrut again is wonderful, but in a way that makes her chest ache.

Seeing Cassian is… complicated. Which is nothing new, really. Her emotions have always been in a jumble around him – anger and trust, longing and fear.

The first official meeting between the two of them is held in the small safe house where the Rogue One team is staying. It starts smoothly enough. She’s decided to treat this as business, just two leaders coordinating strategy, and he apparently feels the same way.

Within ten minutes, they’re fighting over who’s going to place the explosives and where. They’re so busy arguing that they don’t notice Baze watching them with an increasingly unimpressed expression, which is a mistake, because after twenty minutes he stands up with a growl and marches out of the room.

He comes back a minute later with a bottle. “If I’m going to be listening to you two bicker for the next hour, fine. But I’m not going to do it sober,” he says at Jyn’s questioning look.

“I’m not drinking alone, either,” he adds, passing Jyn the bottle. “Come on. You two look like you need this.”

Cassian looks like he’s not sure whether to be amused or irritated. “We’re planning a mission, Baze. We need to have our wits about us.”

Jyn looks him straight in the eye and takes a drink.

She’s not sure what she expects him to do. Three months ago, he would have rolled his eyes and given her a look of fond exasperation. In the month before she left, he would have pursed his lips and looked away.

What she’s definitely not expecting is for him to match her glare, grab the bottle and take a drink of his own, but that’s what happens.

 

An hour later they’re all more than a little drunk, and they have a plan.

“I still think we should plant the explosives,” Cassian says, slurring his words slightly.

“Maybe we should just add more explosives,” Jyn says, squinting at the map. “Then there would be plenty for all of us.”

“I think maybe you’ve had enough,” says Bodhi, grabbing the bottle. He tilts it back and drinks the last few drops, then walks off to join Chirrut and Baze, who – if Jyn is reading the situation right – are having a deep, expletive-laden conversation about whether it’s possible to kill a Hutt with a single punch.

It’s just her and Cassian now, but she doesn’t mind. Between seeing her friends, the warmth of the safe house, and a fifth of a bottle of Baze’s liquor, she’s feeling good about everything right now.

“This is fun,” she declares. At his look, she explains, “Strategizing. Planning things together.”

“Why am I not surprised that your idea of fun is planning to blow up half a building,” he says, but he’s smiling.

“Go ahead and laugh,” she says. “But we’ve been getting a lot done here.” She tries to sound casual, but she’s pretty sure she fails. It’s important. He should know how much they’ve accomplished. He should know what she’s capable of.

“I know,” he says. He looks down for a moment, hesitating. “Jyn, look, about what I said… “ He looks her in the eyes, suddenly serious. “You were right. I shouldn’t have – “

“Are you _drunk?_ ” Kaytoo’s voice sounds from behind them. Cassian jolts back, turns away from her.

“Honestly, Captain. Your plans are dangerous enough when you’re sober,” the droid chides him. “And don’t even get me started on adding _her_ to the mix.”

“Enough, Kay,” he says. “We have another two days to go over the plans, anyway.”

Jyn stays for another couple of minutes, but whatever Cassian was planning to tell her, he’s apparently decided not to say it after all.  She slips out a few minutes later. She can hear Chirrut, Baze and Bodhi singing an enthusiastic if tone-deaf rendition of a local drinking song as she leaves the building.

 

In the end, they keep the plans just as they were. It seems she and Cassian are pretty good at drunken strategizing.

Jyn is in position watching her second, Seph, plant the bombs together with one of the newer recruits, a skinny kid from Bespin who’s remarkably good with wiring. They work quietly and quickly and clear the building with plenty of time to spare.

“Five minutes,” she whispers into her comm.

Cassian’s voice crackles back from the other end, “Affirmative.”

When the bombs go off Jyn can see him run into the building, leading the extraction team. She can barely make out their figures through the smoke, but she knows the way he moves.

Watching them go in without her is a special kind of agony. It’s almost harder than waiting on the ship; at least then she couldn’t actually hear the blaster shots.

Luckily, Jyn has plenty of Stormtroopers of her own to take out, which keeps her mind off of things. She and her team keep a squad pinned down toward the northwest of the building, giving Rogue One time to get out.

She sees them run out and gives the order to retreat. She’s just about to fall back when she sees Bodhi running a few paces behind. And then there’s a shot, and she sees him stumble and fall.

Seph and the others are already twenty meters ahead of her. Their orders are to get back to base whatever happens; local partisans can’t be seen to be involved in this. Kyrjek likes her – has even been hinting that he might make her his second in command – but if she disobeys him on this, he’s going to be very unhappy.

She turns and runs toward Bodhi without thinking twice.

He’s still awake when she reaches him, holding his leg and cursing. “Get out of here,” he tells her, voice rough with pain.

She ignores him, puts his arm over her shoulder, and starts dragging him back, one hand supporting him and the other firing off rounds. Bodhi is moving as fast as he can, and she’s slowing their pursuers down, but they’re still not going to make it. He’s too slow, and Jyn’s not strong enough to carry him.

Bodhi realizes it too. “Jyn, _go_ ,” he orders her.

She sets him on the ground, then kneels in front of him and takes out another Stormtrooper. “Go,” he yells at her. She fires again.

And then Bodhi isn’t behind her anymore, and she turns to see him slung over Baze’s shoulders. “Come on,” Baze says, and they sprint away, making it to the cover of the nearby forest just seconds before Imperial reinforcements arrive.

 

Cassian is wiping down the surfaces in the safe house when she arrives.

“How’s – “ she begins, just as he says, “Bodhi’s going to be fine.”

She smiles. “Good.”

“He said to tell you to never do anything like that again,” Cassian tells her, his voice neutral.

“Tell him I don’t take orders from him,” she says, and sees him bite back a smile.

“Listen, I know – “ he says, just as she says, “I wanted to ask you – “

They pause, and Jyn gestures to him to talk.

“Come back with us,” he says simply.

It’s exactly what Jyn wanted to hear, what she was planning to ask for. She should really just accept his offer and go.

Instead, she scowls and says, “Is this because I’m in trouble with Kyrjek? Because you don’t owe me anything, Cassian. I did it for Bodhi.”

“It’s not because of that,” he says, stepping closer. “You’re good, Jyn. The team needs you.”

“You didn’t seem to need me when I left,” she says. It’s not that she wants to make him angry, but she needs to hear his answer. She’s not going to go back just to be treated like cargo.

Cassian looks into the distance for a moment. “Do you remember what happened three months ago?” he asks her.

She has to take a minute to search her memory. “The mission to the Carida system?” she finally says.

“And how did that end?” he says, watching her carefully.

“There was a bit of trouble, but we got the data files. I think it went well,” she says, confused.

“A bit of- “ he sighs. “You were shot, remember?”

“It wasn’t a major injury,” she shrugs. “I was fine two days later.”

“You ignored my orders,” he says. “I told you to go back to the ship, and instead you charged out shooting.”

“To help you,” she answers, getting annoyed. “You were taking fire. Remember that?”

He’s silent for a minute. Jyn still doesn’t get where he’s going with this.

“So I was shot,” she breaks the silence. “We’ve all been shot, Cassian. What does that have to do with you sentencing me to stay with Kaytoo?”

“Everyone needs to listen to orders. Without orders, there’s chaos, and chaos gets people killed.” He says it as if reciting something learned long ago. “I wanted… I guess I was trying to teach you a lesson.”

“Good luck with that,” she tells him, and he chuckles.

Maybe she should be angry, but - it’s better than what she’d assumed he was thinking, back then.

“So just to be clear,” she says. “You were punishing me for disobeying orders. But you didn’t tell me that, of course, because how could a punishment work if I knew I was being punished?” He looks like he wants to object, but she gestures to him to pause. “So then I left, worked with Kyrjek, disobeyed Kyrjek’s orders, and – that made things better, somehow?”

“That made me realize it was a lost cause,” he says drily. He pauses, looks serious. “I never wanted you to leave, Jyn,” he says quietly. “I just wanted you to be safe.”

“You of all people know that none of us are safe,” she tells him, but her tone is gentle. On an impulse, she reaches out and takes his hand. He looks shocked for a second, but then his expression morphs into one of genuine happiness.

It’s so rare to see Cassian looking truly happy. It makes him look years younger.

“So are you coming with us?” he asks.

“I’m coming with you,” she confirms, smiling.


	3. Chapter 3

Jyn sits in a bar in Lothal, sipping her drink and waiting to be kidnapped.

Her first night in here she was on edge with anticipation, like before any mission. But ten nights have gone by, and honestly, she just wants to get this over with so she can go home.

She wouldn’t be here at all, but it’s for Jadit. The older woman saved her life five times over when they were both with Saw’s group. Helping take out the scum who’ve been attacking her patrons is the least Jyn can do.

Besides – it’s not that Jyn likes killing, but there’s something very satisfying about destroying men who think they can hurt someone just because she’s small and female.

The men will show up tonight, she tells herself. They had damn well better. She hasn’t been back to base for three weeks. Hasn’t seen Bodhi or Cassian since they split off to do some mission for Draven five weeks ago.

That’s just how it goes. There’s a war to fight. They have to think about the rebellion’s needs, not their own wants.

But she misses them. More than she cares to admit. She misses Baze’s solid presence, the big laugh that bursts out of him on the rare occasion that he lets himself laugh. She misses Chirrut’s calm faith. She misses Bodhi’s quick smile. She even misses Kaytoo. That’s how bad the situation is.

And Cassian. Of course Cassian. She’s not used to going a single day without seeing him. Not used to having thoughts she doesn’t share with him, or plans they didn’t come up with together.

It’s getting to be a bit much, to be honest. Because lately it’s been hard, when he’s lecturing her about blaster safety again, not to lean in and silence him with a kiss. It’s been hard, when he walks her to her door at night, not to grab his hand and ask him to stay.

He’s still keeping a distance, holding himself a bit apart. She’s not going to push him. But it’s driving her a little crazy, being so close to him and yet nowhere near as close as she wants to be. Getting some space is a good thing. It’s not the reason for this trip, but it is a significant perk.

Still, she misses him. Misses all of them.

She misses them so much her mind is playing tricks on her, telling her the two men in the corner are Baze and Chirrut, when clearly there’s no way –

Jyn stops. Stares. Then marches over to the corner, a scowl on her face.

“Want to tell me what you two are doing here?” she demands.

“Jyn!” Baze says, with what she thinks is supposed to be a look of surprise. “What are you doing here?”

And she’d thought Bodhi was a bad liar. To be fair, if she looked like Baze, she probably wouldn’t bother to lie well, either. Not many beings are going to challenge a massive assassin carrying double blasters.

“We have a mission,” Chirrut tells her. “Same as you.”

“A mission,” she says flatly. “In the exact same place as me, at the exact same time. What an amazing coincidence.”

“The Force works in mysterious ways,” he answers, smiling.

Jyn rolls her eyes. “And Cassian works in obvious ways.” They don’t bother to deny it. “Your lack of faith in my abilities is starting to get irritating.”

“It’s not you we’re worried about, little sister,” Baze tells her.

“What’s that supposed to – “ she stops. Sees him.

Oh for the love of… Well, at least now she knows he doesn’t trust Chirrut or Baze, either. It makes his lack of faith in her sting a bit less.

Still. Even if he’s like this with everyone, and even if she’s more than a little happy to see him – Cassian needs to be taught a lesson. She slips away before he can see that she’s noticed him.

“Ahh, young love,” Chirrut whispers a moment after she leaves. Baze snorts.

 

He’s standing at the edge of the room, across from Chirrut and Baze, staring out over the dance floor from the darkness. Jyn inches closer from behind, careful not to make a sound. In the dim light she studies the lines of his back, the light brush of stubble over his cheeks.

Force, but she’s missed him.

She steps forward, moving her blade to his neck. “Hello, captain,” she says quietly.

He doesn’t move, but she can see the smile playing around his lips. “Hello, Jyn.”

“Why are you doing this?” she says, sheathing the blade and moving forward to stand by his side.

“I have a mission,” he replies. “Same as you.”

“That mission has nothing to do with my mission, right?” she says, staring him down. “Because as you just saw, I can handle myself.”

“Sorry, I can’t say what it’s about. Classified,” he tells her, not looking sorry at all.

She wants to argue, but – Cassian can be a stubborn son of a bantha when he wants. She doubts she’ll get any real answers out of him right now, and she can’t afford to risk drawing the wrong attention. So she stands by his side, their elbows brushing, and says nothing.

“You know, if you’re looking for someone, this isn’t the way to do it,” she tells him after a minute. Because OK, maybe she still needs to argue a little.

He raises an eyebrow. “Oh? It’s been working fine for me for the past decade.” She waits, knowing he won’t be able to leave it at that. After a moment she’s rewarded with, “So how would you do it?”

She leans closer. “If whoever you’re looking for is anything like us, they’ll be keeping a careful eye on anyone standing in the shadows. You should be out there,” she says, gesturing out to the crowd.

He turns to her, and she hadn’t realized how close they were. “Are you asking me to dance, Lieutenant Erso?” he says, eyes teasing.

She scowls briefly at the use of her rank, but doesn’t back down. “I’m saying you should dance, Captain,” she says. “I’ll watch.”

“I can’t dance alone,” he tells her, and grabs her hand. “Come on, let’s go.”

This is a bad idea for so many reasons. But – he is admitting that she’s right. That’s why she follows him; it’s not that she can’t say no to him when he looks at her like that.

He leads her through the crowd and starts dancing, an arm’s length away. Jyn has to laugh.

“Cassian. This is the galaxy’s sleaziest club, not an Imperial ball,” she tells him. She has to lean close to be heard, her lips almost touching his ear.

At his confused look, she puts his hands on her waist and steps forward, until there’s barely a finger’s width of room between them.  

He doesn’t push her away, but his hands sit lightly on her hips, as if he’s trying to touch her without really touching her. She winds his arms around his neck and begins to dance, her hips swaying an inch from his; feels his hands tighten in response.

“Not the sleaziest,” he murmurs, his lips brushing her cheek. “Have you ever been to Tatooine?”

“Can’t say as I have,” she answers, “But I’ll take your word for it.”

They go quiet, and Jyn moves to the beat, eyes still scanning the club. She still has a job to do, even if she’s not alone anymore. Even if her skin is on fire where Cassian’s hands are touching her.

It takes her a few minutes to realize that he’s not looking around at all. His gaze is focused on her, and when she looks back to him, she can’t look away. Suddenly all she can think of is just how close they are, and all the other ways they could be moving together, preferably without so much clothing. Heat pools in her stomach.

_Focus,_ she chides herself.

She leans in again. “I’m supposed to be getting kidnapped,” she tells him.

His hands tighten on her hips again. “I’d rather you didn’t,” he says, drawing her almost imperceptibly closer. Jyn can feel the heat off his body. If she turned her head just the tiniest bit, her lips would brush his. She looks at him, and she can tell he’s thinking the same thing.

“Jyn,” he whispers. And then his mouth is on hers.

It’s just the lightest of touches, but she feels it in her whole body. They stay like that for a long moment. Then he sighs and draws her into him, deepens the kiss, and it feels like she’s shaking.

It takes her a second to realize that she’s actually shaking. Because Baze has her by the arm, and is shaking her. “We need to go,” he growls at both of them.

Cassian is immediately alert. Jyn needs a second. But by the time he’s pulled her off the dance floor, she’s back in fighting mode.

“We got them,” Baze tells Cassian as soon as they have enough space to speak freely. “But some of the local troopers saw us. We have to get out of here, now.”

Cassian nods. “Come on,” he tells her. She wonders if he realizes he’s still holding her hand.

“Cassian, wait,” she says. “I’m glad your mission is done, but I still have work here.”

He drops her hand, then, and brings his hand to rub the back of his neck. “Actually… ahh…”

“Our mission was your mission,” Baze says. “You two can fight that out later.”

 

The frantic race back to the ship burns off most of her anger. Later, she wonders if maybe Chirrut planned it that way.

They make it out in time. A message from Jadit confirms that the problem has been dealt with.

“It’s not that I doubt your abilities,” Cassian tells her the moment she enters the cockpit, before she can speak. “But we got new intelligence.”

“New intelligence on a mission that had nothing to do with the rebellion?” she says, taking the chair next to his.

“I’m not going to apologize for checking up on you. Guarding the rebellion’s assets is part of my job,” he says.

“Does the rebellion really consider me an asset? I’m touched,” she says lightly. “I’m guessing Draven wasn’t consulted on that one.”

He bites back a smile. “It was bad, Jyn,” he says, his face growing serious again. “They weren’t working alone. If you’d tried to take them on, you could have… “ he trails off.

“Hey. It’s fine. I’m fine,” she says. She reaches out, wanting to take the worried look off his face. Her hand brushes his cheek.

“Jyn,” he says softly, leaning into her touch for a brief moment. And then he steps back. “We shouldn’t do this.”

“What do you mean?” she asks, but there’s something cold in her stomach and she already knows what he’s going to say.

“We shouldn’t – we need to stay focused,” he says. “We can’t – “

“Can’t what?” He doesn’t answer. “Can’t let ourselves be happy for once?”

He opens his mouth to speak, but she cuts him off. “Don’t. Just – don’t.” She stands. “I’ll be in the sleeping quarters. If you need anything, ask Chirrut.”

She hears him saying her name as she leaves, but she doesn’t turn back.


	4. Chapter 4

 Jyn is furious with Cassian at first. _“We shouldn’t do this,”_ indeed.

He enjoys her company, that’s obvious. She’s his friend, the first person he looks for when he has something to share. He wants her, that’s clear too. So whatever his reason is for trying to stay away from her now, it’s undoubtedly pure bantha shit. Something about putting the cause first or love making you vulnerable or some other slogan that men like Draven have drilled into him.

Does he look at her, and see something that makes him weak? When she looks at him, she sees something that makes her strong.

Her anger fades quickly. In its place comes determination. If he wants to hang on to “shouldn’t,” well, that’s his right. But he can’t expect her to make it easy.

 

She slides into the seat next to his in the mess hall a few days later. “Hey, Cassian,” she says calmly. He lifts his head briefly to nod a greeting and almost chokes.

She pretends not to notice. “You don’t mind that I borrowed some of your things, right?” she asks, innocently. “Your shirts are so much warmer than mine.” He shakes his head, although she’s not sure whether he’s answering her, or just trying to clear his head.

“Great, thanks,” she smiles, and reaches over him to get the water.

The next day, she knocks on his door after sparring practice. “Mind if I use your shower? Mine doesn’t seem to be working quite right,” she asks. She makes sure to moan loudly as the hot water hits her skin.

The day after that, she’s lying on his bed when he enters his quarters. “Sorry, it’s just so much more comfortable here than in your chair,” she says when he walks in and stares at her wordlessly.

To be honest, tormenting Cassian has become almost as fun as actually kissing him.

OK, that’s a complete lie. Tormenting him isn’t even close to being that good. But she’s still having fun with it. Wondering when he’ll break.

When it does happen, for once she wasn’t expecting it. She comes to his ship planning to flirt a little, but when she sees the mess of parts on the floor, she gets distracted. She knows what he’s trying to do. He’s trying to give Kaytoo his old body back, or the closest thing to it. She knows, too, that he’d have finished by now if it weren’t for the fact that he’s working himself to the bone. Giving eleven, twelve hours a day to their missions as a team and then spending another six on coding.

When Cassian finds her an hour later, she’s up to her elbows in robot parts, her hair and face stained by grease.

She notices him and smiles triumphantly. “I think I got the left arm working,” she tells him, climbing to her feet.

Instead of answering, he takes a step forward, takes her face in his hands and kisses her.

His lips are cold from the outdoors and his stubble scrapes at her chin. It’s perfect. Jyn can feel warmth unfurling in her chest as they stand there, trading long kisses as if they have all the time in the world.  

And then he pulls away.

“Jyn…” he says, and she can hear the apology already.

She wants to kick him. Leave him writhing on the spaceship floor. Let him feel how she feels when he does this.

But she also wants to understand. She’s been thinking about this more than a little, and she still doesn’t know what he’s afraid of. There are a lot of possible answers. They haven’t had the kind of lives that lead to easy intimacy, he and she.

He’s her friend. It’s not something she takes for granted, having friends. So yeah, she’s upset. But more than anything else, she wants to know what’s wrong, and to see if she can make it right.

So instead of kicking him, she raises her head, eyes meeting his. “Why?” she asks softly.

“We can’t,” he says, and his eyes remind her, horribly, of how he looked after Eadu.

“I think you’ll find that we can,” she says, trying for lightness. “As far as I know, Draven hasn’t managed to pass a rule against happiness just yet.” He gives her the look he always does when she starts insulting Draven. She sighs. “We’re allowed to kiss, Cassian. People here do that. They kiss. They even fall in love. Hell, I know plenty of people here who are married. So do you.”

“Say we do. Then what?” he says, and she’s startled by his sudden anger. “We have a long, happy life together?” His anger fades as suddenly as it came, is replaced by sadness. “You know what happens next, Jyn. I die. I am just another person who has left you. Or you… “

“Or I die,” she finishes for him. “Do you think I don’t know that? But – nobody lives forever. There are never any guarantees.”

“When you are a spy, there are guarantees,” he says, stubborn. “You are guaranteed a short life.”

 “So what should we do, then?” she asks, her anger starting to slip out. “Are you saying I should go off and marry a bantha farmer?”  

A ghost of a smile plays at his lips. “I would pity the banthas.”

_“Cassian.”_

“Jyn.” He looks at her, despairing. “We just can’t – it’s bad enough already. I wish… But I would not be able to stay with you. And I can’t do that to you.”

She pauses, then shakes her head. “That’s not it.”

“I’m not saying you don’t think you mean it,” she adds, as he opens his mouth to protest. “But – are you really trying to protect me? Or do you just not think that you deserve this?”

His face goes blank, but she knows it’s an automatic response. Apparently her words hit close to home.

“You deserve to be happy, you know,” she tells him. “You deserve it so much.”

A long moment of silence follows, in which she wills him to just – for once – do what he wants. And then he slowly shakes his head.

She stares at the console for a minute, cold realization filling her chest. “I can’t do this,” she finally says.

He looks at her, questioning.

“I could live with a lot of things,” she tells him. “If you didn’t want me, I could live with that. I could still be your friend. I could even live through you dying, I think,” although the very thought is making her eyes water, so maybe not. “I’m not saying it wouldn’t be horrible, because it would. It would hurt like hell. But at least I’d know that we’d been happy. I can’t live with this. I can’t stay here and watch you use me to hurt yourself. You’re my… I want you to be happy. And right now, with this? I’m just making you unhappy.”

“What are you saying?” he asks, voice just above a whisper.

She takes a long look at him. At the man who came back for her, who has been by her side ever since, who she’s been at least a little in love with for longer than she’d care to admit. At the face she knows better than her own.

“I’m saying goodbye,” she says.

 

Two days later she’s in a ship preparing for takeoff. It wasn’t hard to be reassigned. Not that they don’t need her here, but – they need soldiers everywhere. Including Ghost Base. Her destination. Hopefully this tiny ship can get her there.

But when she moves to drive out of the hangar, the engine turns over once, then whines to a halt.

Of all the kriffing…

This is exactly what she doesn’t need right now. She stomps out to see if the problem is something obvious. She’s not as good with engines as Bodhi or Cassian, but she knows how to fix the more common types of damage.

The problem turns out to be very obvious. There’s a two-meter-high droid standing under the ship and removing the hydrovalve.

“Kaytoo, what the hell are you doing?” she demands.

There’s a soft whirring as he twists his head to face her. “Dismantling your engine,” he says. “Obviously.”

“You have ten seconds to explain,” she tells him.

“You were attempting to leave,” he says. “That would negatively impact Captain Andor’s mental health and his job performance.”

She laughs, but it’s a sad, hollow thing. “I think your information is mistaken, Kaytoo,” she says. “Captain Andor can get by just fine without me. Just ask him.”

“Captain Andor is not a reliable source of information where you are concerned,” Kaytoo says, sounding annoyed at the man in question. “He says he will be fine, but all data point to the contrary.”

Jyn opens her mouth to say… something, but finds herself without words.

“I have taken note of your interactions and his subsequent mental states over the past year,” Kaytoo adds, as if he thinks that’s a remotely normal thing to do. “I have quite a lot of data on which to base my conclusions.”

“Kaytoo,” she manages, finding her voice, “Whatever you think your data indicate, you can’t just decide to make me stay here. I’m not your prisoner.”

“Are you going to shoot me?” he asks. “I thought you might. According to my calculations, it was an acceptable risk.”

Jyn sighs, because no, she’s not going to shoot him. Damn it all.

Instead, she turns and marches off to Cassian’s quarters. Apparently, she’ll be seeing him again after all, to get him to call off his deranged murder-bot.

She doesn’t bother to knock when she reaches his door, just punches in the code and walks in. He’s sitting on the bed, looking at a datapad, his hair damp from the shower.

She’s about to start yelling at him, the words already on her lips, when he looks up and – he looks terrible. His hands are trembling, his eyes are red, and he looks like he hasn’t slept in a week.

“Jyn,” he says, and his voice is pure relief. And then she can’t yell at him, because he’s kissing her, his mouth desperate against hers, his hands pinning her to the door.

She’s going to push him off and tell him that he can’t do this, he can’t just kiss her and expect that to make things better. She’s still angry, dammit.

She’s going to do that. Any second now. She’s just going to give herself one more moment first, because her head is spinning and this feels so damn good. His mouth is hot on hers, his tongue teasing her, his fingers sending sparks across her stomach, moving lower, and – _oh._

She finally finds her voice a minute later, but it’s to moan his name as he brings her over the edge.

They stop for a moment, breathing ragged, until she recovers.

“What is this?” she manages to ask.

He laughs against her neck. “I had kind of hoped it would be obvious,” he says.

Her brain wants to stop and talk this through. To make sure they’re on the same page, before she gives him whatever little part of her heart he didn’t already have.

The rest of her just wants to rip his clothes off.

She settles on, “Just don’t stop.” Her hands are already sliding up his shirt, and her lips are on his jaw, but she knows he understands her. Knows what she’s really asking for.

“Never,” he tells her, and then his lips are back on hers and she’s wrapping her legs around his hips and there’s no more room for thought.

 

“You came back,” he says. It’s the first time in a few minutes that either of them have managed words.

“I had no choice, actually,” she tells him, a little embarrassed. “Kaytoo dismantled the engine.”

She laughs at his startled look. “Apparently he was under the impression that you wouldn’t survive without me,” she says, teasing.

Cassian swallows. “He’s not wrong,” he says, voice rough.

 She pulls herself up on her elbows and looks at him. “You’re an idiot, you know,” she says, but her tone is fond, and her fingers are tracing circles on his chest.

“I know,” he says, half smiling. But his eyes are serious as he asks, “Are you going to leave?”

Jyn blinks. Oh right. Ghost base.

“I think I prefer it here after all,” she says.

“I don’t mean just today,” he says. He’s watching her intently, and suddenly she feels exposed in a way that has nothing to do with her current lack of clothing.

“What do you mean, then?” she asks, a defensive note creeping into her voice.

“I mean,” he says carefully, “you have a bit of a tendency to run away.”

She scowls. “When have I ever run away?”

“Taanab.”

“You weren’t giving me anything to do here!”

“Lothal.”

“I was on a mission,” she says, exasperated. “It’s not like I wasn’t planning to come back.”

“And the timing of your mission had nothing to do with me leaving for a mission without you?”

“What? No! I just – “ she falters. Going to Lothal had nothing to do with Cassian. Sure, she hadn’t been happy when he left without so much as telling her where he was going and for how long. And it had hurt that he chose Bodhi to go with him, not her. She likes Bodhi, of course, but there’s no denying she’s a much better shot, so what was that about? And she’d been a little worried, maybe, that he was planning to split up the team, that he’d decided that their group missions were less important than his solo work.

… had she gone because she was mad at Cassian?

He’s watching her think, and she knows she’s given away too much already. “It had to be done,” she says, defensively.

“It didn’t have to be done by you, alone,” he says. “Jyn, I came back from my mission and heard that you had left to single-handedly take on a mob that had kidnapped hundreds if not thousands of women.”

She’s silent.

“And then there’s now,” he says softly.

“I… “ OK, maybe she does have a bit of a tendency to run away. But still – “You keep pushing me away,” she points out.

She expects him to deny it, but he just nods. “Sorry,” he says, and she sees in his eyes that he means it.

“Why?”

Emotions flit across his face. “I didn’t want… it was my fault that… “ he starts.

Jyn comes to a decision. “You know what? Tell me another time,” she says. “I’m busy now.”

“Is that so?” he says. His smirk turns to a low groan as her tongue makes its way across his chest.

She is busy. Busy replacing that tormented look on his face with the look of desire he wears now as she takes him in her mouth.

They should probably talk about it at some point. But they have plenty of time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll be honest, I'm not happy with how angst-y this story turned out.
> 
> But hey, I planned for five chapters and only used four, so I have one chapter left for pure fluff. Any suggestions/prompts? Preferably not a coffee shop AU, that would be hard to fit to the story at this point.
> 
> (Btw the title was inspired by the song "Mexico." Which is a ridiculously angsty song, so I probably should have expected this.)


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the lovely comments, and the reassurance that the angst levels for this fic were to be expected.
> 
> And now, for a brief chapter of fluff and absurdity. (With thanks to Evythingnbtw for the idea)

Cassian hates parties. Hates trying to force a light-heartedness that he hasn’t felt in years. He also hates being the center of attention, as Bodhi _kriffing_ Rook kriffing well knows.

So of course, Bodhi decided to throw a party in his honor.

“It’s tradition!” he’d insisted, and Cassian’s protests were drowned out by Chirrut’s enthusiastic agreement and Baze’s offer to brew a special batch of Jedhian whisky for the occasion.

Even Kaytoo expressed interest in witnessing an intoxicated Chirrut again, “for research purposes,” although he had warned that there was a 90% chance the night would end with at least one of them in the med bay.

Cassian hates parties, but he likes seeing his team happy. So he sighed and went along with it and now here he is, standing in a corner drinking whisky that tastes like a mix of fire, rancid fruit, and bad decisions and watching Bodhi flirt with a cute engineer.

So _that’s_ why he was so insistent they celebrate.

He should really rejoin his friends before they send someone to come find him. If Bodhi suspects him of trying to hide at his own party he’ll insist on dragging him back to the dance floor, and Cassian does not want to be subjected to the sight of Kaytoo doing the whirling kavadango with Chirrut ever again.

He’s about to head back when a hand shoots out and pulls him into the shadows.

“Jyn!” he says, forgetting to be quiet. He can’t stop a grin from spreading over his face. He’s so happy that she’s getting good enough at stealth attacks to trick even him.

And, OK, maybe he’s also ridiculously happy to see her. Ridiculous because it’s only been a day. It’s not like they haven’t spent plenty of days apart before. But – it’s good to see her.

She silences him with a kiss, and for a long minute he’s content to just sink into it, enjoying the feel of her lips on his, her hands in his hair.

“What are you doing here?” he asks when they break apart.

“Just checking on you,” she says lightly, but he catches a hint of seriousness in her eyes.

“M’fine,” he tells her, and for once it’s true.

“Not scared?” she asks.

He thinks it over. It’s not an easy question to answer, and not just because he’s more than a little drunk.

“Still scared,” he admits. “You know how it is.”

She nods. She does know. He loves that about her, that she knows how hard this is. That she loves him anyway.

“But,” he continues. “More scared of _not_ marrying you.”

She smiles up at him, looking almost shy, and he’s happy he somehow found the right words despite the whisky shots.

And then they’re kissing again, and Cassian’s more than ready to just forget the party. He has everything he wants right here.

But then there’s a noise behind them, and Jyn pulls away.

“Hey!” Bodhi stumbles up. “You can’t be here! The… umm… marrying person isn’t supposed to see the… uhh… other marrying person,” he manages to finish, looking absurdly proud of himself.

Jyn rolls her eyes, but she’s smiling. “Don’t worry, I was just going,” she tells him.

She turns back to Cassian. “So – see you tomorrow?”

“He’ll be there,” Bodhi says, slinging an arm over his shoulders. “Now go.”

She does go, but she’s in Cassian’s quarters when he stumbles home an hour later. It goes against tradition, but when it comes down to tradition versus Jyn Erso in his bed, tradition doesn’t even begin to put up a fight.

 

She’s there before he is the next day, wearing combat pants and a white blouse and looking fucking amazing.

There are ten people at the ceremony, the result of a hard-fought battle between Jyn (“weddings are absurd and old-fashioned”), Cassian (“she’s right, the whole thing is ridiculous”) and their friends (“weddings make people happy! We all see so much sadness, don’t you want us to be happy for a change?”).

Come to think of it, that last one had been Bodhi, too. Cassian is about to get married, and the reason is basically that Bodhi Rook wanted him to.

But – it’s not like he didn’t want to spend the rest of his life with Jyn anyway. It was just so obvious to him that that was the plan that he never thought of making a special event out of it.

Chirrut conducts the ceremony. Cassian’s never had much use for weddings, but when Chirrut starts a traditional wedding chant from Jedha, he finds himself unexpectedly touched. The strange words of the chant somehow remind him of his parents, of vague early memories of their laughter and love.

Afterwards there’s another party, but this one is small – thankfully – and they drink emerald wine instead of Baze’s brew. He’s pretty sure the wine was served with the Princess in mind; he’s equally sure she would have preferred the whisky.

Bodhi practically pushes him and Jyn onto the dance floor. He gets to hold her close and ignore everyone else. Finally, a tradition he can get behind.

“You never said how your party went,” he murmurs.

She smirks. “Leia convinced me to wear a wedding dress if she could beat me at sabacc,” she tells him.

He laughs. “Did she not know that you cheat?”

“No, she just thought she could cheat better,” Jyn says, and frankly that’s even more absurd.

“Well, I like what you’re wearing,” he tells her.

They’re eventually interrupted by Leia. “I have to go to a meeting,” she tells them. “Congratulations, you two.” She’s beaming, and maybe Bodhi was a little right about giving people something to celebrate.

“I have a present for you,” she adds. “One week off, for both of you.” She catches Cassian’s expression and adds, “Not optional.”

He feels himself scowl, but Jyn looks happy. “Thanks, Leia,” she says. “Hey listen, do you mind passing on a message to Draven?”

“Sure.”

“Tell him we’re sorry about the mix-up with the times on his invitation. But don’t tell him for another two hours.”

Leia sighs, but nods before walking away.

“What are we going to do for a whole week?” Cassian asks. Jyn shoots him a look that’s pure seduction, and he says, “Other than that.”

“Must there be an ‘other’?” she asks. She pauses. “Actually, come to think of it, there is something I’ve been wanting to do.”

He waits.

“Can we bomb the weapons depot at Kashyyyk?”

He smiles. “Anything for you, my love.” 


End file.
